fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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