Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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