Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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