She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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