i jhust puked up my retainher.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
