I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize