I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
