saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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