just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
