I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
