party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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