Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
