if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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