I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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