I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
