Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize