Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
