I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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