hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
