I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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