My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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