Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
