Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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