I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
