My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am available for nakedness
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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