He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize