I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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