Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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