she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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