dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
