i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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