Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
