Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need moral support for this bender
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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