I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
