Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just want to make out with him forever
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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