She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
