How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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