Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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