What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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