we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize