im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
