He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
