HIV tests are more positive than that guy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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