I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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