I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think i have two assholes
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
