I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
