Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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