Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Sponge bath it is.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
