Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
