I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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