new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize