so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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