id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
