i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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