I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's just like the Real World with babies
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
