Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
