Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
